Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
