Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
