the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
