dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
