Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish you could order shots online.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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