I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
