last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
