she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
