He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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