if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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