So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I wear drunk well.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
