the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
