is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize