he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
