nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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