our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
