people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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