Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
