I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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