hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
