if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
