I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
