omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
