Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
