By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
