i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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