I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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