What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
