sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
