it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
