I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
