I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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