i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
