i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
