my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
