proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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