by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
