He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
