The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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