I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
