It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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