You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
