someone get that fucking seahorse.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
