I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize