I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
