my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
