I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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