I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
