it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
