Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
