she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
