That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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