I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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