what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
