its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Can I color on your dick again?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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