look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
