Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
