i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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