I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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