Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
