On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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