just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
