True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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