This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
