Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Someone signed my nipple.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize