Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
In America we eat man semen.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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