They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
