Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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