I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
