i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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